I think we’ve all been there: you lie, you fake an orgasm, knowing it’s doing absolutely nothing for you, or for your partner. You just want the experience to be over. The cycle continues where you are consistently not happy, and you have to resort to getting yourself off later.
Life is too short.
It’s too short to sit around and be complacent. It’s too short to let anyone think they’re pleasing you when they’re not.
The People-Pleasing Lie
This isn’t just about male-female relationships; this is about any relationship where you are not being sexually satisfied. When you stay silent, you are staying complacent as a people-pleaser.
When did ever lying get you anywhere you truly needed to be? Lying doesn’t please you in the bedroom, and lying doesn’t please you in life. This isn’t a small lie either; it’s a lie that directly affects your happiness and intimacy.
The Delicate Conversation: Leading with Pleasure, Not Blame
This is a delicate subject, and it’s not something that should be approached lightly because of the subject matter and the chance of a bruised ego. But the truth is, if a partner truly cares about your happiness, they will be open to making adjustments and changes to make you enjoy sexual activities just as much as they do.
Sex should be a pleasure on both sides. It’s not only for reproduction; it’s for pleasure, and if you’re not being pleasured, you are wasting your time and sacrificing your honesty.
A Compassionate Script for Success
The goal is not to say, “You’re bad.” The goal is to say, “I want this to be better for us.”
- Set the Stage (Away from the Bedroom): Have the conversation when you are both dressed, relaxed, and not immediately before or after sex.
- Lead with Desire: Start by affirming what you like and what you want more of.“I love when we connect physically, and I want to explore ways to make our sex life even more amazing for both of us. It would make me feel so much closer to you.”
- Use “I” Statements to Share Needs: Frame the issue around your body and your needs, not their skill.“I’ve realized my body responds really well to X (a specific touch, pace, or area). Could we try spending some more time doing X?”
- Incorporate Guidance (The Live Solution): The best way to teach is in the moment. Instead of criticizing, guide their hand.“Oh, wait, right there, that feels incredible. Can you slow down for a second and just keep doing that?”
The Final Test of Care
Sometimes you just can’t get it right. But if you do truly love or care about somebody and see them in your life in the future, they should be open to talking about this.
If a partner gets immediately defensive, dismissive, or blames you after you courageously open up about your needs, that tells you everything you need to know about where your pleasure ranks in their priorities.
- For a casual partner: It’s very easy to just cut somebody off and act like that night didn’t happen.
- For a committed partner: It’s harder to just write them off, but if they consistently refuse to engage, listen, or learn, you have to ask yourself: Is this relationship serving my overall happiness?
Remember: You are worth being pleasured. Your happiness is not a small lie; it’s the truth you deserve to live.